I am deeply heartbroken; so much so that I can't pay attention to anything that is going on around me. This leads to some problems with my schoolwork.
It is the end of the term, and there is a large project coming due that basically accounts for my entire grade in every class. My 9th-grade biology teacher is in charge of it. We work in groups.
Ian is in my group and is kind enough to help me out, telling me what it is I'm supposed to be doing and generally telling me everything I need to know that I missed because of my grief. He's fun to work with and talk to, and I think it might be nice to have him for a boyfriend. But that would be problematic because he is a cousin of the guy who initially broke my heart, who I know I am going to end up marrying someday.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Nameless Boyfriend and a Play
Later, after getting up and going back to bed
I am not myself. I do not know who I am, but I have the impression of blondeness. My parents are divorced and I live with a father-character, who is not my dad.
A friend takes me home from school. I read a divorced parents magazine that has been left on a coffee table. It suggests serving meals at regular times, even if the parent does not want to eat then.
Later, dad-character tells me to eat dinner, which has been cooking. He does not eat himself. I serve myself and let him know that I had read the suggestion in the magazine and know what he is doing.
I have a boyfriend whose name I do not know, so I call him Dean Thomas because he reminds me of the Harry Potter character. We met at a party and started making out. So far that is all our relationship consists of, but we want to make it strong and fulfilling so plan on going on real dates starting very soon.
I am so excited about my relationship with "Dean" that I carry around a small bouquet of mylar balloons celebrating him. They get out of my grasp and float up to the ceiling, where I know they will pop, probably from the heat. There is some sort of chemical explanation. I exit the room quickly so I don't have to see and hear them pop.
I am now in a high school auditorium. We will be putting on a play. Somebody passes out papers listing the various capacities students can help in the play production. Included on the list are actors, people to care for the horses, hairdressers, makeup artists, lighting technicians, and "stage crew" - basically set builders in this context. There are other things listed as well, but I don't pay attention to them. I think about being a horse-carer (I find it strange that is an option at first, but then remember a previous play with live horses and accept it), then think that my sister would be good for that. I wonder why they need hairdressers and makeup artists when we did our own hair and makeup for The Sound of Music. And I decide I would like to help put together the sets because I didn't do my part in the previous play, even though all the cast was supposed to help out for at least an hour. And it sounds fun.
I am not myself. I do not know who I am, but I have the impression of blondeness. My parents are divorced and I live with a father-character, who is not my dad.
A friend takes me home from school. I read a divorced parents magazine that has been left on a coffee table. It suggests serving meals at regular times, even if the parent does not want to eat then.
Later, dad-character tells me to eat dinner, which has been cooking. He does not eat himself. I serve myself and let him know that I had read the suggestion in the magazine and know what he is doing.
I have a boyfriend whose name I do not know, so I call him Dean Thomas because he reminds me of the Harry Potter character. We met at a party and started making out. So far that is all our relationship consists of, but we want to make it strong and fulfilling so plan on going on real dates starting very soon.
I am so excited about my relationship with "Dean" that I carry around a small bouquet of mylar balloons celebrating him. They get out of my grasp and float up to the ceiling, where I know they will pop, probably from the heat. There is some sort of chemical explanation. I exit the room quickly so I don't have to see and hear them pop.
I am now in a high school auditorium. We will be putting on a play. Somebody passes out papers listing the various capacities students can help in the play production. Included on the list are actors, people to care for the horses, hairdressers, makeup artists, lighting technicians, and "stage crew" - basically set builders in this context. There are other things listed as well, but I don't pay attention to them. I think about being a horse-carer (I find it strange that is an option at first, but then remember a previous play with live horses and accept it), then think that my sister would be good for that. I wonder why they need hairdressers and makeup artists when we did our own hair and makeup for The Sound of Music. And I decide I would like to help put together the sets because I didn't do my part in the previous play, even though all the cast was supposed to help out for at least an hour. And it sounds fun.
Divorce and a Kiss
My parents are having some sort of conflict. Mom says they are going to talk things over. I expect that it will all get worked out. Then Mom shows up at school and tells us that she and Dad are getting a divorce.
It's time for school to start, so Mom follows me to class. I am having a hard time keeping calm after that news and end up walking out of first period, leaving Mom behind. I decide to talk to Scott about it, so I head downstairs to the food court/commons area, where I remember having seen him earlier. He is there but is surrounded by a crowd of people. So I decide to buy some ice cream. There are two places selling ice cream. I get in the line for the cheaper kind - which costs about $30 for a cone. The girl behind me kicks me while walking. I ask her to be careful and she gets very offended and makes a big scene about it. So I get in the other line, where the ice cream or sherbet is about $70 for a cone.
I end up getting out of line without buying any ice cream. I go over by where Scott and company are. He wants to talk to me, so I say a sentence. My voice breaks because I am so upset. He imitates me, teasing. Then he kisses me - a quick peck on the lips. I just stare at him in shock. First that he kissed me at all, and then that he did so in such a public place. He is surprised that I am surprised.
It's time for school to start, so Mom follows me to class. I am having a hard time keeping calm after that news and end up walking out of first period, leaving Mom behind. I decide to talk to Scott about it, so I head downstairs to the food court/commons area, where I remember having seen him earlier. He is there but is surrounded by a crowd of people. So I decide to buy some ice cream. There are two places selling ice cream. I get in the line for the cheaper kind - which costs about $30 for a cone. The girl behind me kicks me while walking. I ask her to be careful and she gets very offended and makes a big scene about it. So I get in the other line, where the ice cream or sherbet is about $70 for a cone.
I end up getting out of line without buying any ice cream. I go over by where Scott and company are. He wants to talk to me, so I say a sentence. My voice breaks because I am so upset. He imitates me, teasing. Then he kisses me - a quick peck on the lips. I just stare at him in shock. First that he kissed me at all, and then that he did so in such a public place. He is surprised that I am surprised.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Ride Home, Schoolyard Bully, and Emma Watson
I am at a big even of some sort. I had evidently been dropped off because I am looking for a ride home. I find Dan and Lucy and somehow manage to convince Dan to take me home, even though it is very far out of the way. We get into a van and start driving. Other friends are there, too, but I'm not sure who.
As we drive, I see familiar landmarks and realize that we actually will be passing very near to my house, so I decide to watch and ask to be let out once we get within easy walking distance of home. But I am having trouble staying awake to watch. It turns out I had stayed up all night and so am now very tired.
For some reason we stop at a local elementary school. Dan and I get out of the van and go into the school, where one little boy starts punching at Dan. I restrain him, holding his arms to his sides. Once in a while one arm gets free, but I am able to keep him mostly under control.
A teacher or administrator sees me holding this boy and decides to question us. She takes me and the boy into a small room and asks me what is going on. I explain to the best of my ability that this kid had attacked my friend, so I decided to restrain him. She is going to question Dan separately to see if our stories match up. During the questioning, she asks me if any Tiffanys were involved in any way, or if I had seen any around. I say that I do know a girl named Tiffany, but that as far as I know she is nowhere around. I start babbling a little, worried that I'm going to somehow get Tiffany in trouble.
When she finishes questioning me I go outside and see Tiffany at the side of the schoolyard. She really looks more like Jen, but I somehow know even while having this realization that she is Tiffany. A group of friends gathers around me and Tiffany/Jen and we just sit around talking and having a good time. Then Tiffany stops looking like Jen and starts looking like Emma Watson. I say, "I look at you and all I see is Hermione," but I have some trouble saying Hermione so I have to go through it a couple times. As I'm saying this, I know that Tiffany and Emma Watson are the same person.
As we drive, I see familiar landmarks and realize that we actually will be passing very near to my house, so I decide to watch and ask to be let out once we get within easy walking distance of home. But I am having trouble staying awake to watch. It turns out I had stayed up all night and so am now very tired.
For some reason we stop at a local elementary school. Dan and I get out of the van and go into the school, where one little boy starts punching at Dan. I restrain him, holding his arms to his sides. Once in a while one arm gets free, but I am able to keep him mostly under control.
A teacher or administrator sees me holding this boy and decides to question us. She takes me and the boy into a small room and asks me what is going on. I explain to the best of my ability that this kid had attacked my friend, so I decided to restrain him. She is going to question Dan separately to see if our stories match up. During the questioning, she asks me if any Tiffanys were involved in any way, or if I had seen any around. I say that I do know a girl named Tiffany, but that as far as I know she is nowhere around. I start babbling a little, worried that I'm going to somehow get Tiffany in trouble.
When she finishes questioning me I go outside and see Tiffany at the side of the schoolyard. She really looks more like Jen, but I somehow know even while having this realization that she is Tiffany. A group of friends gathers around me and Tiffany/Jen and we just sit around talking and having a good time. Then Tiffany stops looking like Jen and starts looking like Emma Watson. I say, "I look at you and all I see is Hermione," but I have some trouble saying Hermione so I have to go through it a couple times. As I'm saying this, I know that Tiffany and Emma Watson are the same person.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Train Socialization and Grandfather Rescue
Afternoon nap
I get on a Trax train. Henry is there. I think that the best thing for me to do is ignore him, so I do so, passing by him as I go to the other side of the car.
After I get settled, a young child boards the train, alone. Henry talks with the kid and is very good with him or her. A while after that, the kid is gone and Henry and I are looking at each other. We begin to exchange small talk.
After I get off the train, I get involved in trying to save the life of my grandfather. That is to say, he is my grandfather in my dream, but does not correspond to either of my real-life grandpas. He is being chased by government agents who are trying to punish him for something he did a long time ago. Definitely before my parents were born. Possibly during World War II. They have learned where he is so we have to sneak him out of the retirement home where he is staying, which is difficult because he is old and feeble and possibly somewhat demented.
I get on a Trax train. Henry is there. I think that the best thing for me to do is ignore him, so I do so, passing by him as I go to the other side of the car.
After I get settled, a young child boards the train, alone. Henry talks with the kid and is very good with him or her. A while after that, the kid is gone and Henry and I are looking at each other. We begin to exchange small talk.
After I get off the train, I get involved in trying to save the life of my grandfather. That is to say, he is my grandfather in my dream, but does not correspond to either of my real-life grandpas. He is being chased by government agents who are trying to punish him for something he did a long time ago. Definitely before my parents were born. Possibly during World War II. They have learned where he is so we have to sneak him out of the retirement home where he is staying, which is difficult because he is old and feeble and possibly somewhat demented.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Miracle Baby Doll
I am pregnant. Then, before I tell baby's father, I miscarry. I feel that I have to tell him about the miscarriage, though. And for the record, I don't seem to have a loving relationship with Baby Daddy - it's more like he's a harsh and powerful business associate.
As I'm going to tell him about the pregnancy and miscarriage, the baby miraculously returns to life inside of me. So I rush to tell everybody (Mom, Baby Daddy) about the miracle. Then the baby is born - by working its way out through the front of my belly, without leaving any sort of wound or mark. Picture something rising out of a bowl of pudding - after it gets out, the pudding reforms without showing any signs of disturbance. Except this reforming happened instantly.
The baby is a Barbie-style doll.
Baby Daddy thinks I made the whole thing up - pregnancy, miscarriage, etc. - to get sympathy and special treatment. After all, the baby is just a doll.
As I'm going to tell him about the pregnancy and miscarriage, the baby miraculously returns to life inside of me. So I rush to tell everybody (Mom, Baby Daddy) about the miracle. Then the baby is born - by working its way out through the front of my belly, without leaving any sort of wound or mark. Picture something rising out of a bowl of pudding - after it gets out, the pudding reforms without showing any signs of disturbance. Except this reforming happened instantly.
The baby is a Barbie-style doll.
Baby Daddy thinks I made the whole thing up - pregnancy, miscarriage, etc. - to get sympathy and special treatment. After all, the baby is just a doll.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Recording Artist and Wedding Plans
I am carrying a record to some sort of lodge building. I have already ripped the contents of the record to my iTunes and am looking for somebody to give the record to since I don't have a record player. I come across a caretaker or janitor and hand the record to him. He turns out to be the artist who recorded the record. I tell everybody I come across who he is. Nobody else is as impressed as I think they should be and a lot of people don't even recognize his name.
Stuart and I have made a deal that we will get married on Valentine's Day if we are both still single. Today is Valentine's Day and it is time to get ready for the wedding tonight. Mom and I go to the grocery store to shop for decorations. At this point I am starting to feel uncomfortable with the plan for the first time, wondering if I can and should really go through with it. Previously I had been excited about any chance to end up with Stuart. For some reason I can't bring myself to mention this discomfort to anybody, so I am worried that I'll end up going through with a marriage I don't think is a good idea.
We load up on pink and red Mylar balloons with a heart shape in the center, with enough helium escaped to make them float at about waist level. I try to get some that are still fully buoyant but that doesn't fit in with Mom's plan so she refuses to buy them.
Stuart and I have made a deal that we will get married on Valentine's Day if we are both still single. Today is Valentine's Day and it is time to get ready for the wedding tonight. Mom and I go to the grocery store to shop for decorations. At this point I am starting to feel uncomfortable with the plan for the first time, wondering if I can and should really go through with it. Previously I had been excited about any chance to end up with Stuart. For some reason I can't bring myself to mention this discomfort to anybody, so I am worried that I'll end up going through with a marriage I don't think is a good idea.
We load up on pink and red Mylar balloons with a heart shape in the center, with enough helium escaped to make them float at about waist level. I try to get some that are still fully buoyant but that doesn't fit in with Mom's plan so she refuses to buy them.
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